When 'sorry seems to be the hardest word'

We witnessed two contrasting apologies on Irish television yesterday.

  1. Health Minister James Reilly performing a U-turn on medical card cuts.
  2. Soccer pundit Eamonn Dunphy regretting his use of bad language live on air.

Obviously, there’s a huge difference in relation to the impact both men’s ‘offensive’ actions had on the Irish public, but the manner of their apologies highlighted something we already know – the way the apology is given is just as important as the words themselves.

In my experience, there’s three types of apology

  1. Heartfelt and genuine – I was wrong, I truly regret the hurt I caused, will admit it to the relevant people and will endeavour to make amends.
  2. Conditional – I wasn’t wrong, BUT I truly regret that my good intentions had a bad impact on other people, so I’ll apologise and try to fix it.
  3. Imposed – I was right, other people just can’t face reality, and now someone else is making me back down to save their skin.  I’ll apologise because I have to.

You can make your own mind up as to which category Messrs Reilly and Dunphy’s apologies fall into.

Tips for making a Good Apology

  1. Recognise that an apology is required in the first place.  I WAS WRONG.
  2. Make it quickly. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets, and the less likely you are to be believed.
  3. Make it directly to the injured party where possible.  Notes, texts and emails are better than no apology, but you can’t beat face to face contrition.  (Telling other people you’re sorry, but not the person you wronged, just makes matters worse.)
  4. It’s not just the words that matter, but the way you say them.  Eye contact, tone of voice, body language all confirm or deny whether you’re making a true apology.
  5. The words themselves should be more about the other person than about you.
  6.  If you need to explain, make sure it’s an explanation you’re giving – not an excuse. (Provocation does not give you absolution – someone else’s bad behaviour does not give you permission to act equally badly.)
  7. Make amends – if possible DO SOMETHING to show you mean your apology.
  8. MEAN IT.  If “sorry” and a box of chocolates gets you out of trouble on a regular basis, be careful you don’t overuse someone else’s kind heart.  If your apology is not genuine the well of forgiveness will eventually run dry.
  9. Learn your lesson – see above.

When children fall out, we make them say “sorry” and shake hands – even when they don’t want to.  We explain that an apology is important, and you can’t make up unless you really mean it.  Wouldn’t it be great if we remembered that apologies aren’t just for children?

Dervilla O’Brien, Mind Fit Ireland, 18th June 2014